Dating: From Lipstick to Listerine and Back Again

Remember the days when meeting someone meant you had to leave your house?

Like physically walk into a pub, wear something without an elastic waistband, and pretend you actually liked people? Honestly, I break into a sweat just thinking about it. We used to put on mascara, wear pants with zippers, and yell over club music just to figure out if someone liked dogs, cars, spaghetti or was still emotionally attached to their ex named "Martha."

Now? You can lie in bed, double-chinned, eating pickles out of the jar or Nutella (or both in the same time), and swipe your way through a buffet of local singles like you’re ordering pizza. It’s romantic. And terrifying.

Technology has blessed us, but also cursed us with dating apps that are equal parts hope, horror, and “why is that man holding a fish in every photo?” What is with the fish?? I’m not trying to mate with a trout.

That way you'll never be entirely sure whether you're going to meet someone cool, a murderer, or a married man in a midlife crisis.

My Glorious Entry into the Dating Arena (Circa Nokia 3310 Era)

I met my husband just as online dating sites were starting to crawl out of the digital swamp. But before I stumbled into true love, I went on a few dates. And by “few,” I mean enough to write a seven-part Netflix docuseries titled "Red Flags and Regret: The Tina Stories."

Let me tell you about my worst successful date. (Yes, that's a category now.)

We met, we vibed, we flirted. Things were going great! There was chemistry, a passionate kiss, the birds were singing, and then... disaster struck.

A few hours later, he casually — casually! — dropped this bombshell:

“Oh, by the way, I haven’t brushed my teeth in ten years.”

TEN. YEARS. TEN F**KING YEARS.

Not one. Not five. A full decade of plaque, bacteria, and broken dreams. I wanted to rinse my mouth with Domestos and forget. Straight bleach. Preferably while crying in a fetal position under a shower set to “boil.”

Needless to say, we never spoke again. I spent the next 48 hours gargling holy water and chewing mint leaves like a desperate Victorian widow, crying over the phone to my bestie.

Swipe Culture: Yay or Nah?

On one hand, dating apps are amazing. You can connect with people you’d never meet otherwise. Like that one guy who lived 3 km away but never left his house and listed “cryptocurrency” and “fermentation” as hobbies. Sexy...

On the other hand, dating apps are like rummaging through a bargain bin at 2 a.m. You might find a hidden gem... but mostly it’s just broken things and mismatched socks pretending to be emotionally available.

And let’s be honest — most of us make decisions within 3 seconds of seeing someone’s face. Forget personality. If his second photo is him shirtless in a mirror with the caption “Just vibin’,” he’s getting yeeted into the digital abyss.

Tina’s Toxic Trick: The Baby Bomb

In my 20s, I had an elite strategy for escaping bad dates: baby questions.

You know, the ones that make men run like they’ve seen a ghost... holding a wedding dress.

“Do you want children?” “Yeah, I think I do.”

“Great! I’d like six.”

Eyes widen “When would you like to start?”

“Honestly, now. I don’t want to be pregnant with number six when I’m 30.”

Reader, he was gone in 20 minutes. I swear he left skid marks on the chair and in the restaurant parking lot. Never heard from him again. Honestly, flawless execution. No notes. Ta-da. You can use this trick, I'm not going to charge you.

What I’ve Learned From Dating (Other Than Trust No One With a Fish Photo)

• The vibe is real. If my inner alarm goes off in the first five minutes, I’m not ignoring it. That’s not nerves, that’s spiritual Run Tina Wi-Fi trying to save me from future trauma.

• Everyone is weird. Acceptable weird is “collects rubber ducks.” Unacceptable weird is “doesn’t believe in toothpaste” or “calls his mom ‘hot mama’ on first date.”

• You can’t fix people. If he doesn’t have basic hygiene, emotional maturity, or socks that match, you are not the fairy godmother of his potential. Back away slowly.

• You don’t owe anyone anything. Not a second date, not your number, not an explanation for your escape via bathroom window.

Final Thoughts From Your Dating War Veteran

Dating is weird, chaotic, and sometimes traumatizing. You’ll meet guys who think “negging” is charming, girls who bring their emotional support ferret to dinner, and at least one person who still lives with their mom and calls it “an economic strategy.”

But in between the freaks, the floss-resisters, and the emotionally unavailable hobbits, you’ll have great stories. You’ll laugh. You’ll cringe. And someday, you might just find your person — or at least someone who brushes their damn teeth.

Until then, my advice? Swipe with caution. Ask about oral hygiene early. And always carry emergency Domestos.

And if you decide to go on a blind date, tell your loved ones about it, show them a picture, give them address. Just in case he kidnaps you.